7th Oct

today is one of the hardest day both of us has to go thru~ coz as from yesterday, we had agreed to go separate ways~ as in we will move on to our own directions to strive for our goals~

we made a pact, that 2 yrs~ to finish what we have on hand now, and to start a career~ and i promise that i will be waiting on the other side, for my husband to be. it may sounds really unfair~ maybe even unreasonable~ why do we need to break up to move on...

truth is~

i love him too much~ and we are trapped with each other~ we are too dependent on each other~ in order for him to fly free, i must return him his wings~ its like having to force yourself to let go of something~ and pray hard, pray fucking hard, that it will fly back to you. it hurts like hell~

To me, it is abt time for him to grow away from me and live a life on his own, find his way into the society, friends and grow from there~ and what is holding the two of us back, is this love that we couldn't let go~

i break down and cry~ almost every night~

jun~ pls don't hate me~ pls be strong~ i need you to be strong to pull thru, so i can see u at the finishing line~ along the way, we will cheer for each other~ be two independent adults yet moving towards the same goal~

there is so much i want to share with you~

today i went movies with Amy for the first time~ and i kept repeating this song that you posted~ and each time i listen to it, each time my heart aches like hell~ and i enjoy the pain, coz it means i love you, and it reminds me that i love you like hell~

i'd been crying every night since the day i decided to let you go~

no matter how happy i try to be during day time, by night i would crash~

i miss you holding my hand when i drive~ i miss you calling me "girl"...

i don't dare face you~ coz i know once i face you, i can't let go~ i went by your house, but i didn't dare to call u~ coz i have to let you go~ forgive me~

throughout the whole day, i kept wanting to msg you~ but i force myself not to~ coz i don't want to add onto your pain~ to need you yet push you away... i know that kind of feeling~

i rather shoulder all these pain~ than to not see you smile~ hearing you cry over the phone breaks my heart~

i'm just like a clown~ laughing and laughing over nothing~ then i'll be totally lost in my thoughts full of you~

this is just a passing phase~

coz i'm looking at the bigger picture here~ a home of our own... a place together~ our own world~ no one to judge us, no more sneaking around~ laze infront of the tv~ lying in your arms~ smelling my jun...

i wish you are here with me now~ tell me not to cry~ coz at this very moment~ tears are flowing like a tap~

the environment and time, situation don't allow us to love freely and openly~ your mum have issues abt me, and my family is totally out of the line~

u're the strength that i need to move on~

coz at the end, i see you standing there~ smiling waiting for me in your jacket and shirt~

i'll be posting my daily activities here~

i'll keep this blog going~ coz for the next 2 yrs, this is where i can be who i am~ and pour my feelings out~ probably one of the few channels we can communicate.

jun~

ger love you more than her own life~ pls don't give up~ pls~~~~

it hurts like hell inside~ it really hurts~

i close my eyes, all i can see is you~
worrying if you are coping well, if you are sleeping well, eating well~ how's ur duty doing... still got 2 extras to do~

i will hold on no matter what~

coz i believe, i will see u at this finishing line~ but i need you to run the race with me~ without you, i can't do it~ don't let this love die pls~ don't...

jun~ i love you~

always and forever!