i love you~

always and forever~

guess thurs got a fight with ger again. so during fri, the feeling of meeting ger is ver bad... tried to msg her but she don seems too eger to see me. the trip home is miserable. she reached eariler. chat with her abit and we went up. chat abit and hug her so tight. the feeling is just so good. unable to discribe. liek all ur senses are being actived. the very warm and tight feeling. soon.. we start our hot hot hot sex. ger commented i cannot sit still. i miss those feeling. so much that it still linger...just ger and me. told her friend jio me to db O. ger encourage me to go. so i just went. total damnge 60-90 ouchy`

yesterday brought a psp at 190 now joven is playin/.

ger went jb for some gathering. donno... i also did't ask much. learning to step back. coz i learn to distract my self with people.

zoosk do not have good result. see~ i no magnet liek ger...




this ger got me ga ga.... melts.... whahahh` i donno why.... i just can;t stop glowing when i see her....

so far chat with a couple old friend... hi bye only...

miss ger... donno how is she... don dare to disturb her...

Today went Dental to tigten my braces, dammz, clinic forgot to make appointment with dr... lan lan~ went off to HMV... die die want to find my song... no luck~ bought some other CDs...

then went off to Kino~ as usual, when i get there, i go gaga over the range of books they have~ i moved from sections to sections, from Psychology to Sciology, Literature and Law~ spent a good 2 hours plus there... total damage $190

all else was good, only thing missing was someone to hold my hand~

got home at around 2++...

feel so tired, but couldn't sleep~

saw jun online...

thought it was joven~ only to know it is jun~

chat with him for awhile...

guess we are both trying to adjust to things around us... yet some part of us just still very unwilling to let go~

deal made... fri after class i'll go over to his place~

i couldn't care less~ i need him... i really need him...

my eyes are swollen from crying... i break down into episodes and i want to kill myself~ then i wake up with night terrors of being beaten and abused~

if this goes on, i might just get hospitalized~

its just a matter of time i lost the line and cross it~

makes me wonder... who will reach the finishing line first~

i dunno~

i'm starring at my medicines now~

time for the psycho to take her meds

it hurt yes it does hurt.

but we cannot keep hurtin lke this for the next 2 yrs.
sooner or later we will crash. i promiss you i'll take care of my
self. eat well, sleep well and don do foolish thing.

this week will be a tough week. the first of the bitter 2 yrs.
remember we need to keep our self tip top condition so that we will still b there. we cannot affort to crash. u give me back my wing and so do i. ur allow to do anything u wan just keep urself safe. pls don hold back coz once you do you will not move on. we're adult. we need to grow. there may be passer by in our life cling on them if u have to. no man live alone. fling with them if u have to. i tell u honestly, i will. tell me selfish but what i looking is to keep myself tip top for the 2 yrs to come. we do not have other choice. sorry.

u noe me, i'll adapt to anything. its only matter of time.


i love u. really do. but i cannot affort to cry. i still have my duty. i cannot let them see m weak side. but i'll fix my self over the week end promiss to be good

7th Oct

today is one of the hardest day both of us has to go thru~ coz as from yesterday, we had agreed to go separate ways~ as in we will move on to our own directions to strive for our goals~

we made a pact, that 2 yrs~ to finish what we have on hand now, and to start a career~ and i promise that i will be waiting on the other side, for my husband to be. it may sounds really unfair~ maybe even unreasonable~ why do we need to break up to move on...

truth is~

i love him too much~ and we are trapped with each other~ we are too dependent on each other~ in order for him to fly free, i must return him his wings~ its like having to force yourself to let go of something~ and pray hard, pray fucking hard, that it will fly back to you. it hurts like hell~

To me, it is abt time for him to grow away from me and live a life on his own, find his way into the society, friends and grow from there~ and what is holding the two of us back, is this love that we couldn't let go~

i break down and cry~ almost every night~

jun~ pls don't hate me~ pls be strong~ i need you to be strong to pull thru, so i can see u at the finishing line~ along the way, we will cheer for each other~ be two independent adults yet moving towards the same goal~

there is so much i want to share with you~

today i went movies with Amy for the first time~ and i kept repeating this song that you posted~ and each time i listen to it, each time my heart aches like hell~ and i enjoy the pain, coz it means i love you, and it reminds me that i love you like hell~

i'd been crying every night since the day i decided to let you go~

no matter how happy i try to be during day time, by night i would crash~

i miss you holding my hand when i drive~ i miss you calling me "girl"...

i don't dare face you~ coz i know once i face you, i can't let go~ i went by your house, but i didn't dare to call u~ coz i have to let you go~ forgive me~

throughout the whole day, i kept wanting to msg you~ but i force myself not to~ coz i don't want to add onto your pain~ to need you yet push you away... i know that kind of feeling~

i rather shoulder all these pain~ than to not see you smile~ hearing you cry over the phone breaks my heart~

i'm just like a clown~ laughing and laughing over nothing~ then i'll be totally lost in my thoughts full of you~

this is just a passing phase~

coz i'm looking at the bigger picture here~ a home of our own... a place together~ our own world~ no one to judge us, no more sneaking around~ laze infront of the tv~ lying in your arms~ smelling my jun...

i wish you are here with me now~ tell me not to cry~ coz at this very moment~ tears are flowing like a tap~

the environment and time, situation don't allow us to love freely and openly~ your mum have issues abt me, and my family is totally out of the line~

u're the strength that i need to move on~

coz at the end, i see you standing there~ smiling waiting for me in your jacket and shirt~

i'll be posting my daily activities here~

i'll keep this blog going~ coz for the next 2 yrs, this is where i can be who i am~ and pour my feelings out~ probably one of the few channels we can communicate.

jun~

ger love you more than her own life~ pls don't give up~ pls~~~~

it hurts like hell inside~ it really hurts~

i close my eyes, all i can see is you~
worrying if you are coping well, if you are sleeping well, eating well~ how's ur duty doing... still got 2 extras to do~

i will hold on no matter what~

coz i believe, i will see u at this finishing line~ but i need you to run the race with me~ without you, i can't do it~ don't let this love die pls~ don't...

jun~ i love you~

always and forever!

安静了 / Yên Tĩnh Rồi
Artist: S.H.E
Composer: unknown

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中 属于我们的婚礼
却成了 单人结婚进行曲
在这场爱情脚里的拔河里 爱我还是爱你
你选择了自己 wo。~

撒娇的 可爱的 女人的 爱哭的
照片里 曾经的都是你喜欢的
如今我还在原地 你却走回你的记忆
你说我爱你太多 就快要把你淹没


你害怕幸福短崭一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱　让你好好的想我
我想要的那片天空　你是不是能够给我

你说我给你太多 却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口
我们各自苦痛
什么是我最后温柔
是因为我太爱你